fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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