So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
