Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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