Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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