did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
