I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
