3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
