I just saw a hot homeless man
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
