You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
