She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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