I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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