I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
