what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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