I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
