if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
