there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Semen is not good for contacts.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
