I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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