The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
