Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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