dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
