Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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