i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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