My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
