i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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