I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
