im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
