i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
