I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
