Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
