life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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