all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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