I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's blow job season.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
