i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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