census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
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I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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