I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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