My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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