Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
