I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize