i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
