You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
