i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
