Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
