Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
