i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
