Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
