He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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