how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
