Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
