He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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