conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
