At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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