i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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