Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
