Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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