if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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