you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
